someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
