I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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