I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
