Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
