i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
