Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
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