I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I just made out with a guy for $7.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
