guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
