After last night, I could never be a politician.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
