I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
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