Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
