Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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