Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
You're like the curious george of whores
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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