I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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