I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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