I faked an abortion last night.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
