just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
