six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
