my phone needs a breathalizer
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
