I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
