I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
