in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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