I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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