my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
