my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
