I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
