Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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