Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
