GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Randomize
