More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
