I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
