Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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