If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
