I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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