The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Randomize
