Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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