Apparently you make a good broom.
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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