Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
