Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
