I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
