Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
