Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
