I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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