Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
