Yo dont text me then not text me
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
