bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
