6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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