I cannot find my penis.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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