Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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