This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
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