we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
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