clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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