If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
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